Socks

Ministerial Meandering

Socks

Socks are really weird things to make and repair.  To start with, you have to have a special mushroom or a darning egg (for when it all goes wrong), so you will need to do this in the kitchen, where all your food is.  This, in itself, should tell you that you should start on something less ambitious - unless you are planning on a mushroom omelette with a lot of wool in it.

Alternatively, your socks can be made on a hockey stick as a template for your recipient’s lower leg and foot.  However, since the three-dimensional aspect of a hockey stick and your average calf, foot, and ankle, bear little to no resemblance to each other, you might be better off visiting the local morgue, and paying the technician to saw off an appropriate size from someone who will no longer be needing it. 

Even if you succeed in finding such an unwitting donor for your project, the decision now is what style to make.  The standard ankle length sock is a good target to aim for, but there are even easier styles.  The woolen ‘condom’ is very good for beginners, as it has no ankle angle to negotiate, nor - if you feel so inclined - is there any necessity to narrow the toe end; it can just be closed straight across, though my experience of wearing such an item is that it feels like you have two golf balls in the top of your shoe.  Thus, only make this style for someone who loves you very much.  Besides, given the name of this style, you should be at least on speaking terms with your recipient before you proudly present them with their Christmas ‘condom’ socks - or you may never hear from them again.  Also, depending on which sex you belong to (and I only believe in two), you may well be accused of either boasting - or wishful thinking.

Once the basics of the ankle sock have been mastered, the temptation to embellish  the next pair will undoubtedly come over you.  ‘Shall I add in a special compartment for the big toe?’  Well, good luck with that; and should you decide to go the whole hog and do individual toes, it is a good idea to check that your recipient has a full complement of toes - or is not suffering from polydactyly.  Diabetics can be careless with toes, so should always check out the content of their socks at the end of the day, and do a quick piggy count.  You can always get a clue as to whether your friend has an excess of pedal digits by shaking him or her enthusiastically by the hand, and surreptitiously doing a quick finger count.  What happens on the hands is often mirrored in the feet. 

Now we have to decide on length.  The absurdly ‘invisible sock’ is one favoured by those who wish to appear to be barefoot inside their trainers - an idea I have never understood, particularly as the tiny amount of sock material moves of its own accord down and over your heel, scrunching up into an intensely painful roll of unforgiving hardness, right in the middle of your instep.  Drop this idea, even if it would save you on wool.  You will lose friends.

The alternative is to go for the knee-length sock, which can be a huge blessing in cold weather.  But of course there are snags.

If the sock is to remain at knee length, it will require some elastic incorporated into the top end to hold it in place above the calf.  If this is not done, the entire masterpiece will subside to look like a cast-off accordion just above the shoe, or - should long trousers be worn - as though some form of embarrassing incontinence has ended up at ankle level.  Your friends have just left - again.

Should you attempt to ensure that such an event never happens with your socks, and put in a heavy duty elastic insert to the top end of your knee-length socks, the resulting ischaemia and/or venous infarction that will occur in the calf may end in a below-knee amputation if the constricting band is not divided forthwith, and normal circulation restored. 

Once you get to thinking about patterns, colours, and silly pictures on your creations, it is time to start taking the pills your friends have been suggesting - and which your doctor prescribed months ago. 

Is it any wonder I go barefoot?

Philip+