Cracked Pots

Ministerial Meandering

Cracked pots

Hardly an original title for those of you who are familiar with Christian literature; at least four authors have used the words as either the whole or part of the title of their books.  So at the risk of multiple plagiarism, I will adopt it as an entry into this week’s ‘Meandering’.

We are informed by sociologists, anthropologists, psychologists, and others, that the ‘nuclear family’ is the basis for a stable society, sound values, and (hopefully) a grounding in decent moral behaviour.

If you look up ‘nuclear family’ on Wikipedia, you will find - as I both dreaded and expected - a photograph of a 1950’s smiling foursome of Mum (swirling pleated skirt, bouffant hair-do), Dad (neatly chiseled jaw and Clark Kent glasses), and two children - one pink, one blue.  (Pass the paper bag, please.)  The only absentee was the dog.  The definition also states that some would argue that only biological children from the parents within that family group should be included, though some more liberal types would allow step-children and half-siblings.  God help you if you weren’t sure!

This absurd depiction of life really only occurs in Disney’s ‘The Parent Trap’ - and even that was about reuniting divorced parents.

The sad fact of life is that most first marriages don’t survive the lifetime that we hope for them.  Well, if we are fair, it’s a coin-toss; roughly 50% of first marriages end in divorce or separation - and then the odds are worse for the second marriage, and worse again for the third, and so on.  Even if you think you made a mistake in ditching your first partner and are part of the 6% who reconcile enough to re-marry, you will realize soon enough that you were right first time - and divorce again 30% of the time.  Not so cheery odds.

Looking at my own family, I had to come to the admission that we didn’t do so well either - though Sheila’s side did a whole lot better.

On my mother’s side, suicide took my grandmother when my Mum was 6 years old, and the step-mother that took her place was a rather cold housekeeper - or so she seemed to me.

My grandfather on my father’s side had a long-term mistress who did rather better in his will than did his long-ignored wife.  Of their 6 children, 3 survived to adult life and all divorced.  Of the 8 children my auntie had, none has maintained a first relationship long-term.

And can I claim any great success in my own generation?  Sadly, no.  I had a disastrous student marriage that lasted about 12 weeks (and nearly ended in my own suicide), and then several years later I met and married Sheila; we have continued to fight happily for the last 45 years.  My only sister has been divorced.  Sheila and I have two daughters who have also separated or divorced their first partners.

How is it that this beautifully constructed and artistically designed vessel is so weak in its ability to stay intact?  Even my own marred history is mirrored by almost all the friends I have known.  Practically none have retained their first partners.  (So far, Sheila has - but one day she just might decide she’s had enough of this cranky old guy!)

Nevertheless, it is a serious question.  It seems to me that by the time we actually take our vows, the pot is already cracked, and it only takes a breath of wind to complete its disintegration.  Perhaps, as I say, the complete and intact version only exists in heaven, and what we do on earth is to try and repair the pieces as best we can - or stick the cracks up before they completely separate.  It is not an easy job, and it is the work of a lifetime.  

It is, however, a structure worth the effort of repair and restoration, because in some areas of the world, the repair of cracked pots has become an art form, and the repaired item is actually stronger than the original.  Some say that it is even more beautiful as well.  The art is called ‘Kintsugi’.  I would say that Sheila is probably an expert at it - without even knowing it.

Philip+